Wednesday, September 28, 2005


Things are different now than they were a week or two ago.

Some of the differences I can directly pinpoint. I've started a tough class, which means things are more hectic. My body doesn't like hectic life. I am so thankful that I only took 4 hours this semester. I'm tired. I'm tired a lot. But that's okay. I can handle being tired. The problem is that when a person wears their body out like I have been doing lately, it tends to weaken. Often, that means that even the healthiest of people can get sick. I am not the healthiest of people. I have to be very, very careful.

Work is busy, which is a change. I've been working on three different experiments, one that flopped and I have to try to figure out what went wrong. The other I was supposed to finish this week, but my bacteria didn't grow right so that won't happen now. The other is a monsterous experiment that I really need to start for grad school, but I just can't seem to get the ball rolling on that one. Busy-ness. (I just realized that you can't spell that by turning the 'y' to an 'i' otherwise you get business....It's all the same, I guess.)

And there's the other "thing" that I can't quite pinpoint. Happiness....but it's more than that; different than that. Life still pretty much stinks. My kidneys are still giving me fits. I finally broke down and called the doctor. They said it's something that could potentially be serious and that I need to go to my general physician to get it checked out....yeah, in my spare time. I'm still struggling with being chronically ill. I can't seem to wrap my mind around that just yet. And I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm afraid that this kindey thing may be very serious. I'm afraid of going back to the hospital. I'm afraid of rejecting my liver again. I know that as tired as I've been lately, my body changes and the last thing that I want/need is for that to lead to rejection. And there's the bigger picture: I'm afraid of having children one day, because I know that I may not live long enough to see them grow up. I'm afraid of leaving Rick alone. I'm afraid that this will not be the worst thing that I have to encounter in my life. I'm learning that pain is cyclic. Pain-->Perserverence-->Character-->Hope-->Pain-->etc. I'm in the perserverence stage right now. I can't say that my character is building because that's not something I can see. I pray that it is. I pray that God is molding and shaping me into the person that He wants me to be. I want my character to change. I yearn for that to lead to The Hope. The Hope that is Him.

But back to the happiness....maybe it's not happiness at all. Maybe it's joy. Wouldn't that be something? I hurt, but I can smile now. I can't pinpoint anything that has made me change from forcing smiles to not being able to contain them at times, but it's there.

And God is giving me ministry opportunities....very, very subtle ones, but I see them. I saw one yesterday, and I took it. Does this mean that I can hear the Spirit again? It's been so long.....but maybe, just maybe........

We sang "All In All" in church two weeks ago. And I smiled. I wanted to cry because I'm starting to really, really believe that. I'm starting to really believe that He is all I need.

Changes.....some good, some bad.....but the bad ones don't matter. He is working. And I can see it now. That's what matters.


At 3:03 PM, Blogger ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi I´m Chris. Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

You've got it, Amanda. When we allow the Holy Spirit to really work in our hearts we feel that inexplicable joy...even when things aren't so great. It is a feeling nothing of the world can give you more than briefly.

I'm doing a Bible Study called "Living Beyond Yourself"...we are learning that alone we can accomplish a little. But, with the Holy Spirit we can accomplish more than we could ever imagine.

I am so sorry about the physical problems you are having...I will continue to life you up in prayer. But, I am so excited to see that you are growing in your Spiritual Walk.

As Steven Curtis Chapman says, I can see the fingerprint of God, when I look at you. He has a purpose for you, hon.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Tony Arnold said...

That was beautiful, sad, uplifting, and made me hurt for you.

Praying for you and Rick Amanda. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do.


At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How beautiful to watch what is going on within you in spite of struggles. That is testimony to the Lord's victory and Satan's defeat! Thank you for sharing. My life is blessed just by reading your blog. It's incredible to think how blessed those folks are who know you in person. Praying for years and years of smiles for you and yours.


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