Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Pain Hurts

Since Friday, I haven't posted much because I haven't known what to say. My fear of what is to come tomorrow has rendered me speechless on many topics. I felt the need to post yesterday, so for lack of anything else to say, I posted that story that I have been promising about my junior year.

But I have something to say tonight.

I am only learning that people all deal with pain in the same way. Christians, that is. As I sat tonight and listened to the story of two parents who have struggled with their children and their children's problems, I cried because although our pains are so different, they are so much alike. The pain has driven all of us to our knees at times; driven us to the point of prayerless-ness, of literally being unable to utter words to pray, of being sick and tired of praying with no answer - much less a clear answer - in sight.

But I'm beginning to understand something.....I'm beginning to understand how Scripture says that Jesus knows our struggles. Jesus didn't have to undergo a liver transplant and have to deal with medical problems throughout his young life, but He still knew pain. He knows the emotion that goes along with praying and not getting the answer that you had hoped for. He knows what it feels like to feel as if God has abandoned you, and, friends, that is a much more difficult pain to have than the pain of anything physical.

My current struggle has me so emotional. I want to badly to believe that God is going to take care of things to the point of removing the problem completely, but I can't let myself. I can't let myself believe it because I don't want to be let down again. I don't want to have to struggle with praying for God to heal me and then dealing with it when He chooses not to. That's much harder than not really believing that He'll heal me to begin with. I asked time and time again for healing years ago for my liver, and He didn't do it. What's to make me believe that things are so different now that He will?

I don't know what to pray for. I don't know how to approach God when I'm hurting so badly. You would think that I would have that lesson learned by now, but I don't. I want to believe that I've learned so much from my last round of struggles (that I wasn't even through with when this hit) that this would be easier, but it's not. Pain is never easy.

I hope that I can come to you tomorrow night with news of God's miraculous healing, but I'm aprehensive. Please continue to pray for me and Rick. Pray that whatever part of my flesh that needs to die will die through this. I have no idea what else to ask.....

6 Comments:

At 6:53 AM, Blogger James said...

First... thank you for your open heart, honest reflections on a subject I think needs to be focused on more. And so, with that you have broken my recent drought of interesting food for thought to post about. Since I didn't want to ramble on in a reply post, I wrote about this on my own blog.

I certainly hope that things would work out in your favor, and your struggles are in my heart. I honestly can't say that I am praying for you, because to put it bluntly - I don't pray, at least not in the traditional sense. We may not like the outcomes, but I do believe that for each of us God has some purpose for our lives. And at the very least, you can count me as someone who has been touched by what you write and who hopes that you will find some measure of spiritual solace in this storm you are weathering.

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger Tammy M. said...

Amanda -
Thanks for sharing your struggles. I have thought about your words alot since I read them last night. All I can say is that God can do anything, He will do whatever shows his Glory on earth best. I think that if we focus on God's promises only about healings, God heal me, If you have the faith of a mustard seed... knock and the door will be open.... we might miss the boat. Looking at the situation my son Jack is in, I find it hard to believe that my prayers, or my friends and families prayers are any more faithful than other children who did not come through brain surgery with their lives on earth in front of them.... I know that God is in control and all I can do is give it to Him and try and be a testimony to God's awesome light that can give me "Crazy Jesus Peace" as a friend calls it. That peace that passes all understanding. So I pray peace for you, you have a heart for Jesus, you have a voice to share...may you walk through every day, the tough ones like today, and the easier ones too, with your head held high like a princess of the King. You have already won.
Tammy

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger Tammy M. said...

Matt 7:24,25
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and {yet} it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock."
You are standing on the Rock.
I should have included this in my earlier post.
Tammy

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Debi said...

Amanda,

I, too, am touched by your truthfulness, honesty, and candidness. I'll never say I understand what you're going through, because I can't possibly since I've never been an transplant recipient. I can imagine, but obviously can't fully understand. I want you to know that you are in my prayers - every day. Since I'm not sure exactly what to pray for myself, I'll pray for God to provide what He knows you need. (He knows everything best.)

May you also experience his peace in this struggle you're going through. I feel for you lady.

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so right about our universal experience of pain. It is a fire, no matter what the form of pain, that consumes. However, you have a great grasp on the Healer of our pain. I pray He heals your body and your pain. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. How blessed I am to have found your blog!

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Andrea said...

Amanda,

I don't have the words to articulate what I would like to say, so simply you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will be anxiously awaiting the results of your ultrasound.

{{{ HUGS }}}

Sending Prayers and Praises,
Andrea

 

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