Thursday, November 10, 2005

I'm a Coward

Tony's comment yesterday has made me feel bad about myself and my life, so I need to write.

Just kidding.

But the title isn't a joke.

I still haven't written The Letter. Honestly, the pit of my stomach drops when I think about it. Sometimes, several weeks will go by without me even thinking about it, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't get it off of my mind. Why am I so afraid of "it"?

It is a big "it." At least to me. Once I start thinking about it, it looms over me like a dark cloud. But it shouldn't! I feel as if I should want to write it. I should want to communicate with this family and tell them what a wonderful gift they have given me. For all I know, they could think that either the liver of their loved one wasn't good enough for transplant, or that the transplant patient (me) died during the surgery or not long after. Maybe they're finally beginning to cope with the death of their loved one. The last thing I want to do is send them a letter that will open up old wounds.

I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't make myself sit down and say the things that I want and need to say. I've done it once before. I started a letter. But it wasn't good enough. I don't even know where it is. I wrote it, re-read it, and gave up. I even contacted the social worker that worked with me and Rick through the transplant to see what avenues I had to go through to send the letter. He remembered me and encouraged me, but that's as far as it went.

I'm a coward.


At 9:33 PM, Blogger Michele said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Michele said...

Coward? How so?

I am just learning my cyber friend, that all fear isn't bad. Think of having to get up in front of that class and teach a lesson. That was fearful, that was personal too! No doubt this is much more so. Yet, stop! Remember how good it felt when it was over and the comments and joy you found revealing in the truths of the words around you.

Not all fear is our enemy my dear.

Your desires to share with this family is admirable. I have to ask though, who is this letter for? You or them?
You see, in answering that key thought, perhaps you might find that which you can release and take pen in hand. Don't pressure yourself, because the words still may not come. Just know that your time after facing this fear will be like the freshly falled dew on the grass in the morning, or even the rain. Check this thought out here.


The only thing good enough you need to share, is your heart! God bless.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, your gift for expressing yourself, I believe, is above the average person's ability. That has me really buffaloed why this would be such a chore for you. Just your blog from May would make me, if I were the donor family, feel happy that someone benefitted from my loved one's gift. I see much good coming from your letter not only for you to express your gratitude (and get the omnious task behind you), but also very much for the donor family to see a beautiful continuation of life through you. I have willed my body to the medical school and dream of someone benefitting from it. Of course no med student is going to thank my family, and I realize I'll be good material for lots of jokes (I laugh too when I look in the mirror). However, I would like to think that my family would know that I gave all I had even after death to benefit others. My prayer is that the enemy Satan is not using lies to make you think this is hard so that he can keep you from bringing glory to the One who created that liver and who created you, the recipient, and who orchestrated the transition from one to the other. My prayer for you is that you wake up with words on your heart to bless the lives of strangers. I'd like to add my anonymous P.S. to the letter that, through the organ gift, I have benefitted regularly from all you share on your blog. You are a blessing!

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops! How'd that happen twice? Feel free to delete one or both. :)

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Andrea said...

You are not a coward. You are thoughtful and showing upmost respect to the donor's family.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Amanda. When the time is right, you will know.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Amanda said...

Michelle, to answer your question, I think it's for both me and them. I know that the family has the option of tossing the letter in the trash when it comes without even opening it. But it's still something that I need to write. I feel like it's a huge mountain that's standing in between me and finally healing from all of this. I stare up at the mountain and cautiously walk around it because don't even know how to begin to tackle it (as opposed to running into it head-first and figuring it out as I go, which is how I normally do things).

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Amanda said...


Just for the record, I would love to know your name, but I know that's the beauty of being "anonymous." :o) You don't have to share if you don't want to.

If you're the same "anon" that comments regularly (and even if your not, what I'm about to say applies to this comment, as well), I want you to know how much your words mean to me. Sometimes, I keep them in my e-mail and read them several times a day before I delete them because it means so much that what I say impacts someone the way it does you (and for anyone else that's reading, I do that to lots of your comments).

I orignally started this blog to help out other transplant patients and people who are going through similar things, but I've learned over the past 6-8 months that pain is pain. My pain may be caused by something different than someone else's, but that doesn't mean that God can't be using different types of pain to teach us the same lessons. That's why this blog has meant to much to me, and I'm so glad that it means that much to you. :o)

But thank you all. Your encouragement means so much to me.

At 9:43 AM, Blogger Tony Arnold said...


Don't discount that it may be the Holy Spirit that is pushing you to write. Whatever it is that keeps nagging at you, it won't let go, so don't worry about not having written the letter yet. When your ready, you will write it.

BTW, for all those in Amanda's blog land, what I really think of Amanda is that she is beautiful and she has the aroma of Christ (2 Cor. 2:15).


At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, I am thankful if you have read anything to brighten your day because it is merely a reflection of the light you shine out to us. I have enjoyed being anonymous because, for once in my life, I have been able to just observe and learn and maybe add something without seeking recognition or notice or kudos; I also don't have to be concerned for what I might look like, what my particular labels are, or where I fit into the mold I'm supposed to fit in or have to live up to my name. It's not that I am covering who I am. It has just been refreshing to be a nobody-in-particular in my striver, over-achiever, look-at-me lifestyle I've always had.

However, just for you, I would be willing to tell you my name. Is there any way to have a blog "generic mailbox" or "mediator" or "clearinghouse" or some way to e-mail privately? I'd rather not publish my e-mail address and don't want you to have to divulge yours, but I would like to correspond with you.

Please advise if there are any options. Thanks!

At 2:23 PM, Blogger DigiGirl said...

What's the rush? When the words are ready to emerge, they will. Otherwise, it sounds like "the letter" isn't ready to be written, and that's perfectly ok.

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Jana said...

I couldn't have said it any better than all the previous commentors.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Michele said...


Hey my sister in Christ, I apologize for taking so long to respond.

Yes, I can see why writing this would be good for you personally as well as the family receiving it. I just wanted to ask that so that you know why you have this desire and where it is from.

No matter the how tall the mountain, you can scale it when God clears the pathway for you. In His own time, it will be so perfect and you will just know it!

God bless you!


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